sufferings, torturing

i am feeling sick
my leg are all swollen till the thigh
i can't sleep well at night
having back pain
when i walk, i feel the pinning pain cos my feet are so swollen
i am thinking, when all this going to end
the most
6 weeks...
but eventhou now, i cannot take it longer
i am neither here nor there
i am stuck in between
i cannot make the process faster but i really cannot take it anymore
screaming for help tat will never come.............

i am so mad at him

i dunno wat is he thinking most of the time..
to avoid responsibilities??
so he excuses himself to sleep but rather than sleeping
he is playing his computer game and reading his chinese story book
i hate this kinda behaviour
he did it twice this week itself
he knows i dun like him to play game
but he is still doing it
and there he is complaining tat he din even hav ime to read his mail
but the truth is
he rather play game than to read his mail and settle his internet banking
i wanna avoid him
i dunno how to face him if he continue to be like tat
does he kows tat he is going to be a father real soon?
does he know the importance of communicating?
being together doing nothing?
does he knows that once he starting his game,
he is shutting down every communication channel tat we hav?
i just want to let myself to cool down for the time being
he is not getting my message across
eventhou he knows tat i hate him playing games
i am so frustrated

dunno Y

i am feeling it again
crying out of no reason
then i am thinking
if i ever get tired of this life..
where can i go to??
fren's house?
back to my family??
it is not that he s not trying
he tried
i know
but after he had tried so hard,
he wiped out all his credit himself
with a frustration on his face when talking to me
when he asked wat's wrong
he is impatient
he is not understanding enuv
he is calculating now
saying things that he hav to do and being so mean
mayb he is tired too
of all this...
but once we hav started this commitment,
i know that it will be never ending
unless a seperation
take into place....
am too emotional?
or is this relationship started to be shaken
perhaps, it is time to take a break from all this...
to run away as if i do not hav any commitment or responsibilities at all
but can i do that?
i know i am capable to do it..
if i am desperate enuv..
i hav to admit that having a family is not easy
sometimes the frustration will mount higher than wat can be handled
the feeling being crushed between two walls that collapses on me
not being able to move or to struggle
but to stuck in between there
waiting for someone to realised i am down under that piles of walls
or until i cannot make it anymore..
there were times that i cried so much
that my eyes were so dehydrated,
its feel like a bee sting when i am blinking my eyes
there were also times when i cries till i am really tired
and think no more but put myself to sleep
right now, at this moment,
i can feel my baby kicking
as if reminding me
mama,
i am here..
understanding how u feel
but i will still fantsize..
if i am now in oman,
not pregnant
earning money living in a totally different environment
how will i feel
will i feel the same
or i will be more depressed cos i am in a foreign country
or i will be contempted cos i hav wat i dreamt of having
a chance to work oversea
a chance to explore oman
to earn money
to be relax in the working env
i really dunno wat will happen if i were not pregnant
if i were in oman
i really dunno
dunno dunno dunno dunno......

i am not wat u r thinking

i went around after i have settled my patient
looking for colleague who needed help
but it seems like everybody is quite settled
eventhough the one with the heavy case hav u around
plus i cannot help much either with little experiences in cardiac cases
so i decided to stay in 1st cubicle so that i can sense better if anybody needed my help rather than in my isolation room
then u saw me talking to another colleague
u shouted at me
saying that
eh.. y u all sitting around doing nothing
cardiac room so busy but never go there to help
one new case is coming
so and prepare room 6 for me
u all cannot sit around
must help
.......
i am upset
very upset
without knowing anything and just seeing wat u saw, u make a quite conclusion
without even asking
without even telling us that there is a case coming in advance
and now u blame us for sitting around??!!!
u r too much
.......
i wonder..
does all managers behave like this?
i feel that in nursing, managers know how to take care of pt
but if we r saying welfare for staff and staff management...
they r far bhind the management people
or i must say
they do not know how to value staff
do not know how to treat staff as an individual
do not see that we are all adult worker
not somebody who needs their constant scolding or nagging
or ill treat
.........
that is y i think working oversea open my eyes to another world
i hope to find some place who managers can treat me as an adult
an adult who needs guidance thru my working carreer
who see me as a person who wanted to learn and share with others
that can understand what i want in mt career....
nursing for me is not just a job
but it is a passion that will go on
i need to constantly upgrade myself with new info and more difficult task
but it seems like i hav not been given a chance
mayb i have myself to blame
when my previous manager wanted to send me to oncology adv dip
i turned then down
now i am asking for another chance that will come only years later
but i do not see y they did not send me for short courses that do not need any bonding with hosp
courses like CRRT, LSCN, Oncology workshop, asthma workshop and so forth
mayb i am not in a position to ask anyway
since i am consider still new in the department
but if this kind of incident keep happening,
i do not think that i will be old enough to ask....
hahah....

u r too mean

i am not the one who pass u the sticker
i do not know wat info is lacking
so u r my manager
u can just call me and shout in the phone for the extra info that u need
it is not my fault
y do u hav to be so mean??

i brokedown

*beep* *beep* *beep*
the alarm rang
it was 6 o'clock AM
my husband have to wake up for his LSCN test today
i force myself to sleep again cause it is too early for me to wake up since i am on afternoon duty today
but somehow,
i was breathing very hard and fast
then
without me knowing
my tears were flowing endlessly from my eyes
from whimpering to sobbing to crying out loud uncontrollably
i cannot help myself
thinking tat i cannot go to oman
i cannot resign in order to keep my maternity benefits
i do not hav a choice for 12 hr shift conversion
i have to stay in the same hospital
same stressful country
working under unsympathetic managers
sigh..
i am helpless and hopeless....
sob sob sob

as a result

i am extremely distraught
there were a few occasions that i really feel like crying it out loud
but i can't do it especially when i am in the middle of my duty
eventhough i have talk it over with my colleague
but
that did not help much
sigh......